i am the classic woman of gen-X who grew up thinking that feminism had done all it needed to do, mostly because i didn’t directly experience noticeable misogyny. yes, i had been cat-called and felt ashamed at not having a date for a dance, but, on the whole, i was respected as a person and allowed to do what i wanted, regardless of my genitals.
as i read more and more in the feminist blogosphere, i realize just how much of that freedom was due to my mother and grandmothers, my aunt and godmother, and so many other strong women i encountered growing up. i was lucky in a lot of ways. i liked being rowdy and playing “boys’ games”, but i also liked dressing up and being “girly”, so i was able to fit in when i needed to, without too much effort. i had a mind made for philosophy, science, and politics, but i also have a deep seeded love of gossip and fashion. what amazes me, in retrospect, is how much these women encouraged the exploration of my less “feminine” interests. i had dolls out the wazoo and one of those fake kitchens, but i also had legos, tinker toys, matchbox cars, tools, a baseball set, a basketball hoop, and lord knows what else. when i went to school, i was in honors classes where the boy/girl ratio was heavy on the girls for most of my years there. the 2 smartest people i knew (judging by grades, at least) were girls, and the boys were busy fighting for the #3 spot.
one thing i can attribute this to is having a family full of teachers. i can’t even count the number of people in my family who are/were teachers, counselors, administrators, and any number of other positions in the public school system. i have to assume that this alone helped to encourage a love of learning, whatever the subject matter. my home was filled with encyclopedias and books and we played games like trivial pursuit. my mother encouraged me to have a book in my hands at all times.
i also had 2 divorced grandmothers. that doesn’t sound so great on the surface, but it meant that i had two matriarchs in the family who knew exactly what it took to be a woman in charge of her own life and making a good life for her family. they raised my parents to respect that and expect no less of themselves and of me. there was no room for a shrinking violet in our family. you had to speak up for yourself and do for yourself or it wasn’t getting done. when my grandmother’s roof needed replacing and there wasn’t any money for it, my mother got up at 3am every morning all summer to get over there and do it herself. if i’d been old enough, i’m sure i would have been up there helping her.
i had amazing examples of strong women around me for my whole life. there were few men, but the ones who stayed around were equally supportive and strong. i never heard anyone in my family/godfamily say that i couldn’t or shouldn’t do something based on my gender or the sex-appropriateness of it (aside from all the times my mother had to remind me to keep my knees together when wearing a skirt, but really, i think that one’s okay). the closest i could say i ever came to someone pressuring me to do something “girly” was my mother desperately wanting me to learn cooking and sewing. i honestly believe, though, that a) she truly enjoyed these activities and b) she recognized the practical aspect of being able to do these things for yourself. after all, it’s how our family had survived and thrived for so many generations.
so, here i am, almost 30 years later, and i get it. i can see how their hard work and pressure to succeed without sacrificing my spirit was such an amazing gift. i can’t imagine how i would have survived without the lessons they taught me and continue to teach me. i am grateful beyond mere words.
my mother, age 2
